indecision?

sometimes when i switch on darling Lapdancer i can’t be bothered to log on to MSN. on my old computer i used to set MSN to remember my password, but then I realised my mom didn’t approve of all my friends and once made my stepdad log in to change my nick to something really stupid and backstabbing and embarassing, and so now on Lappie, since i was never allowed to set a password on my user, i’ve put on as many passwords as i can on programs my parent doesn’t like. it gets a bit bothersome sometimes, but hey, i guess it’s worth it.

the thing is, last time, i used to actually want to log on to MSN, because i enjoyed talking to certain people i don’t see in school. now, nothing seems much to interest me anymore, after sam got me used to sarcasm and dry wit. i read the logs of conversations i had with people in sec1 and sec2, and i think, “my god, how much of a bimbo was i?” i’d be dead bored if i had that sort of conversation nowadays. and thank goodness, because the people i used to talk to don’t speak to me much, anymore. strangely, i don’t mind.

there are times when i hate how i sit there, indecisive as to whether i should start a conversation with someone because i don’t know if they want to talk to me. it reeks of insecurity, and i’d rather not display traits that i hate in other people. personally, i feel it’s just very loser-ish to attempt to insinuate yourself into a circle of friends that would rather you not be there. in other words, i’m just going to stick to talking to people that enjoy my company as much as i do theirs, that is, my schoolmates (homework is universal), and a few other assorted friends.

it’s hard enough for me to define the boundaries between friendship and betterfriendship, so much so that i don’t think i have any really good friends, much less a best friend. i don’t suppose anyone knows that sort of half-hollow feeling, the one i get when i realise the person who knows me best doesn’t get many chances to see me, in real life. and maybe that’s also why i get such cold feet whenever i think about any relationship past platonicism (taking vocabularistic liberties here)- i don’t even have a proper “friend” in the most basic sense of the word, so how can anything go past friendship? i’ve had crushes, sure, but they were nothing else.

at the same time, i mull over this issue everyday, so it’s nothing really new. i’m not being very emo, i’m just finally putting down my thoughts about my friends here.

i live here on my knees
as i try to make you see
that you’re everything i need
here on the ground

but you’re neither friend nor foe
though i can’t seem to let you go
the one thing that i still know is that
you’re keeping me down

something always brings me back to you
it never takes too long.

(sara bareilles/gravity)

~ by sydney on August 9, 2007.