check back to (with aplomb) for daily updates; in the meantime, have some femme desperation

new category: love. i don’t know who would read this and, i dont know, understand. this isn’t my normal self, and it’s scary for me, to realise how much i want a relationship, some sort of steady love that’s reciprocated, that lasts. not commitment, not really. but like something that i can rely on. some sort of love that’s so perfect and so assured, whenever i think of whoever it is, i smile and the sunshine won’t go away till ages later. like, just knowing that i adore XYZ person to bits and he feels the same way back, no questions about it, no hesitation.

i’ve had reciprocated liking before, but it was either young folly, or my side just didn’t last. yeah, two times. i read fanfiction that’s utter fluff and i smile and i love it, i adore that fantastic dropping feeling in my stomach that feels like i flew up and my stomach liked gravity too much.

i wanted to password lock this post, actually. i did, almost. but then- there’s nothing much to hide. and seriously, i hate hiding stuff. it gets more and more difficult.

but anyway, i’m really not decided about this entire love-schmove thing. like, all the signs can be readable as “oh my god, is that commitment? get it away from me!” even though when i think about it, i’m not that much against commitment, in its logical form. like, if i stop liking someone practically right after i tell them i like them, it’s gotta mean something, right? and if someone tells me they like me, and a few weeks of not-talking-to-that-person follows, and then i discover that hey- i don’t see anything special about them that gets my stomach drop-happy, that’s gotta mean something too!

still, i guess i’m attacking this issue now because this year, i’ve somehow been distanced/distanced myself from my previously-famously-awesomely-gettingalonglikepantsonfire-friends. unwilllingly? i don’t know. and it’s just made me sort of rethink my whole definition of who friends are. and well, “more than friends” are even harder to come by than normal friends, by my standards, at least.

it takes time, these things- that’s what they say. and i’ll be waiting, for sure. because my hormones sure acted up this year- i don’t think i’ve ever been more fangirly in my entire life, and more prone to random exultations about the XYZ characteristic/look of ABC particular person/character. And yes, by God it’s embarassing.

lately i guess i’ve been revisiting the old times, but it doesn’t feel right because i don’t know if i’m like i dont know desperate or something. i want people to enjoy their conversations with me, in real life or not, and i dont know if that’s happening or if i’m being a nuisance or something or other.

i’m losing my train of thought, so, bio calls. /away

~ by sydney on October 4, 2007.