so many of us! so many of us!

We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.

(mushrooms/sylvia plath)

the ship was sinking; we were drinking, singing one last song
casting our gold into the ocean
you grabbed a bucket, started screaming “come on, come on”
trying to slow the donward motion

back in the kingdom we were kings and queens and oh so strong
that God himself could not contain us
we never thought we’d be the shorter end of sword and gun
now God himself could not have saved us

waves of silver, waves of gold
are coming down to take me
and separate my body from my soul
and Jesus either leaves or takes me
hopes of heaven, fears of hell
and what’s the chance i’ll make it?
when all my other plans have failed
and i’ve tried so hard to fake it

(one last song/josiah leming)

his posture and movement is slightly very disturbing but the tune is addictive.

i am subconsciously worried about many things, which in turn worries me. i think i’m more worried about not being worried than the actual worrisome things themselves. which is, consequently, worrying in itself.

i have no priorities.

thank you to all the people who gave me about a total of 15-20 missed calls this morning, and baoyi’s “you do know the english exam is first block don’t you” at 6.30 am. also thanks to the taxi driver who indeed drove very fast, like i’d requested him to.

i don’t mind paying for the $15 ride myself, but the thing i’m rather annoyed at is the fact that this morning, waking my stepdad up to ask if he would consider sending me wasn’t even an option.

and also, when my mom came home last night, she swore at me four times within the first hour, and when i got lazy and didn’t want to tell the whole story to sam(antha) via sms she insisted on seeing it and on reading “maybe seeing me inevitably pisses her off” she started ranting about how selfish i am that i refused to tell my friends the whole story and thus cast her in a bad light.

and also how this morning when i was extremely and dangerously late, she seemed more concerned about scolding me about how i have time to “always go out with sam and mich and eat dinner at carl’s and spend so much money” and yet we “don’t talk about the english exam” and how i never buy dinner back (disregarding the fact that they don’t even like carl’s jr or any other fast food for that matter) even when i go out with my friends.

not that i was relying on it but she didn’t even give any solutions to the possible and very probably problem that i would be late for my exam. and also, even though i had reminded her a milllion times, when i woke up and yelled that i was going to be late, she had just started ironing my pinafore, which had just been taken out of the washing machine. consequently i spent the bus+taxi ride to school with a damp blouse and damp pinafore. damp as in leave-buttprint damp.

i mean, i don’t even feel anything when i get scolded or ranted at anymore. it’s just a sort of detachment.

instead of loving my family, i pour whatever love i have left into my dreams and my poems and my thoughts and very rarely, my friends.

when i last saw my dad he gave me a hug and it was the first time in many years that i’ve cried because he was going away. i thought i’d gotten used to it ages ago but recently i’ve grown exponentially closer to him. so how come i still feel so far away?

it’s not like i feel that there’s nothing intrisically wrong with the fact that i hardly ever ask my mom for anything except to settle our finances/launder my uniforms or clothes in general or sometimes food, but what else is there? she doesn’t give me a chance, and i no longer feel like i should go out of my way to give her one.

the laundry is now probably around a head or so taller than i am. i am afraid putting a single extra item will result in an avalance. it is screaming for attention and everyone except the person who is supposed to be doing it, hears.

life really sucks sometimes.

~ by sydney on April 24, 2008.